I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
