So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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