She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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