If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize