Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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