I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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