I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
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I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
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I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.