Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
