I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually