Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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