literally had 100 drinks last night.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
