woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
