My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
