She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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