Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
