I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
