i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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