please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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