i don't like sucking hair
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
