I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Sorry my hands just texted you
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The struggles of a small town man whore
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
