you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
