She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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