She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
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I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
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You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.