Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
