Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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