A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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