The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
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So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
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I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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