I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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