Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
