How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
