girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
