Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
