i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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