You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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