I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
