she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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