but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
