i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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