Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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