You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
