when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We had to coat check the pizza.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
