I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
