I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
