This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
