It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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