running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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