I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
