Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
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I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.