Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
