I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
