like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
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She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
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Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!