$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
