we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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