Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
