I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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