I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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