omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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