I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
