I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
