swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
