it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
